Today, October 15, is 'Infant Loss Awareness' day and I wanted to tell you the story of my own loss.
The first time I lost a baby I was about eleven weeks along. My baby was wanted, loved and dreamed of, and the "heavy period" I was told to expect after the loss was much, much worse. Physically it took months to recover. Psychologically, even longer.
After the first loss I also had a cyst rupture and needed surgery to have another removed, and while having surgery they discovered endometriosis. Safe to say our journey to a baby was not an easy one.
Later when I was pregnant for a second time I was so excited. So optimistic. We were going to have a baby boy and we were both over the moon. But he wasn't meant for this world and I had to deliver him sleeping. A kind way of saying we lost him, too.
We were between a late miscarriage and a stillborn. I was induced and still had to labour for my baby, but we didn't get to make memories with him as he was already gone.
So I struggled through induction and labour, through picking out a name, a tombstone, a vessel, a birth and death in the same day.
Today is a difficult day, but it's also beautiful because it gives the families of angel babies a chance to grieve their losses again. Something that is incredibly important.
So to the mom who is pregnant: treasure it. My OB once told me every successful pregnancy is a miracle. And I know she was right.
To the mom who has lost: it's ok to feel and to hurt and to cry. It's the only way you'll heal. It's ok to mourn a loss at five or eight or twelve or twenty or forty weeks. They were your baby. And though they didn't get to know it, you loved them more than anything else.
To the mom expecting again: there is light after the darkness, your rainbow after the storm. It's okay to be afraid. To fear the unknown.
To the friend or loved one: I hope you never know this pain, but love your friend through it, know they're not the same even after having a healthy rainbow baby. Know that their light is always at odds with the darkness of infant loss. Respect both the space they need and the support they crave.
To those of you who are remembering babies lost: look towards the future and to the positivity. You are stronger than you know. . . than anyone knows.
To those of you who have lost: don't be afraid, talk about your sadness and your fears. It will only help your rainbow shine that much brighter.
Love to you all on this difficult day.
I love to cook, entertain, craft and create - all while being a wife, friend, daughter and a mom to a little boy.